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Ag no, Schuster’s just turned us into paw-paws

It’s about time Leon Schuster was stopped making utter fools of us whites.

No wonder Showmax decided to suspend six of his movies. If I were them I would have banned the whole bally lot. It would be bad enough if he stayed his natural colour and poked fun at us, but to do so made up as a black person or an Indian really damages race relations. It could make some of us tar all people of colour with the same brush, as it were.

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There is another danger. Each time we are put in our place by a previously disadvantaged person, we think it might be Schuster, and are tempted to give him a klap, which we would never do if we knew it was a genuine previously disadvantaged person.

Were I an Indian I would take great exception to seeing Schuster disguised as an Indian traffic cop, and infuriating white motorists by giving them speeding fines and parking tickets when they have been perfectly law-abiding. But time and again we fall for his hurry-curry act.

He also insults important people. Maybe you saw the time he dressed up as a black woman at a Pretoria meeting, and first asked South Africa’s ace detective Piet Byleveld very rude questions about his previous marriage. Sis, man. Not even a white woman would ask those sort of questions. Piet was really gatvol, and kept straightening his bow tie to show he hadn’t lost his dignity.

Then Schuster spotted Pik Botha sitting in the front row and started shouting at him “pay back the money”. After a distinguished political career like his you shouldn’t have to put up with such abuse, but he kept his cool and told the ranting “wo­man” he didn’t respond to foolish questions, before quickly leaving via a side door in case he was asked any more.

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They called him back into the auditorium when the woman, in purple doek and gloves, revealed himself as Schuster. Pik magnanimously forgave him, but I’m not so sure about Piet Byleveld, who must have wished there was a crime he could pin on him, such as making a white person look like a paw-paw.

On another occasion, pretending to be a black Zimbabwean, he interrupted the golf game of former Springbok rugby heroes Kobus Wiese and Jannie Engelbrecht at Stellenbosch, totally putting them off their stroke and telling one player he had played “a mampara shot” after he had indeed played a mampara shot that bounced off a stop sign.

Let me tell you, no white golfer likes to be told he played a mampara shot by a black Zimbabwean, especially if the black Zimbabwean caused it in the first place.

One of the most distressing things he could have done to whites was leading a party of squatters on to the Sea Point lawns and setting up shanties, under the guise of being a Xhosa chief whose great-grandfather had been granted the land by Queen Victoria in 1860. It was the enactment of the local community’s ultimate nightmare, and he fully deserved the klaps a very angry man gave him on their behalf.

Also on the Sea Point promenade, a most curious thing happened to our friend Gwynne last week. A down-and-out came up to the bench where she and a companion were sitting, and gave one R1.50 in coins, and the other a R10 note, before staggering off. They patiently waited for him to return and reclaim his money.

Instead another man sat down beside them, shielded himself with an old estate agent’s placard, and began masturbating. The two septuagenarians immediately rose and left.

But not before looking round to check if a Schuster camera was trained on them, waiting to catch out two whiteys yet again.

Meer oor:  Ps.  |  Leon Schuster  |  John Scott
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