Why should the old South African leaders such as Smuts, Rhodes, Kruger, Louis Botha, MT Steyn and even Van Riebeeck be the only ones honoured by having their statues placed in a theme park?
There are many current politicians who also deserve to be there.
Their presence would add a new dimension to transformation of the heritage landscape, which is what the ministerial task force under Vusi Ndima has been asked to investigate.
Those who do not yet have statues of themselves can commission them and, once completed, transport them immediately to the theme park, to avoid the public being offended. No need then for a “Zuma must fall” campaign, when he has already fallen into place on a grassy patch somewhere between Queen Victoria and PW Botha.
Except that he does have a couple floating around in remote spots, one whose head is in the shape of a giant golf ball in the Groot Marico, and another in the Nigerian city of Owerri. Never mind, no one would begrudge him a third statue in the theme park, preferably in strident pose asking for his machine gun.
The brass plaque underneath could explain to visitors: “The leader who thought corruption was a volcanic explosion, until he discovered Smirnoff.”
Des van Rooyen has also earned his place in the theme park, if only because he got into the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s shortest-serving minister of finance, thanks to three curry-serving Indian brothers. His statue could show billions slipping through his fingers.
The only colonial lady in the park, Mrs Van Riebeeck, could be joined by Bathabile Dlamini, who has several reasons to be there. The minister and head of the ANC Women’s League pocketed R245 000 in fraudulent travel claims, lied under oath (so the Constitutional Court ruled), left 700 000 recipients without their social grants when she was in charge of them, and spent 31 nights in a luxury hotel at up to R11 000 a night.
If ever there was someone whose heritage landscape needed transformation, she is it.
Malusi Gigaba, former minister of various portfolios, has to be there of course. Irresistible to women, even if he says so himself, he sabotaged the country’s tourist industry by demanding everybody’s unabridged birth certificates, gave his wife Norma R16 000 a day of taxpayers’ spending money on one of his trips, and put out a sex video featuring nobody but himself.
His statue, naturally, would be nude. His many admirers would expect nothing less.
Ace Magashule is a must. If, like every leader, he is doing business with the state, he should be rubbing shoulders with them in the park as well. He can be shown handing out valuable South African paintings to his friends. And the statue of Brian Molefe, the Gupta brothers’ most frequent visitor, would be instantly recognizable with bundles of R200 notes tumbling out of his leather rucksack.
There is only one way to sculpt Julius Malema, arch-opponent of white monopoly capital, and that is in a reclining position in a business-class aircraft seat, thus demonstrating his rejection of WMC. He is also one of the keenest to pull down the statues of colonial leaders who, unlike him, were untransformed and whose followers never smashed shop windows.
They wouldn’t dream of pulling him down, either.
But with all these leaders gathered together in one place, the pigeons won’t know whose head to splatter first.
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